


Fanon-no-Jutsu

by Immigrant_writer



Category: Naruto
Genre: BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, But it's really dumb, Can you believe Sasuke used to be a wanted criminal?, Character Development, Dealing With Guilt, Fanon, Gen, Humor, Hyuga conspiracy, Naruto get banished, Nations feared this man, No Bashing, Parody, Post Fourth Shinobi War, Post-Series, Saving Naruto, but seriously, everyone and no one gets bashed, it was an accident i swear, no seriously, sasuke is awkward, trapped in a genjutsu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25521346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immigrant_writer/pseuds/Immigrant_writer
Summary: After the 4th Shinobi World War, when Naruto is hit by an enemy Jutsu, he wakes up as a genin. But everything is different. Sakura is a loudspeaker that attacks him for any little inconvenience, Sasuke is draining the color from the world and has an army of fangirls and nothing makes sense. Meanwhile, everyone tries to wake him up from his genjutsu sleep.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke
Comments: 17
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

Naruto screamed as he jumped to his feet. Then he blinked. He wasn’t the middle of a forest about to be hit by an enemy attack. He was in the middle of a field. A field that almost looked like…  
“Naruto!” A familiar voice screamed like nails on a chalkboard.  
“Sakura-ch-” Naruto was interrupted by his female teammate shimmering into place in front of him and burying her fist in his face.  
Naruto blinked in shock as he realized he was lying on his back. On one hand he was confused by why she’d attacked him and not the missing-nin they’d been tracking. On the other he was glad he was still alive, especially after seeing her turn a battlefield of Juubi clones into a wasteland. But on the third Kyuubi hand…  
He sat up looking at his pissed teammate. “Are you 12 again?” His voice registered. “Am I 12 again?”  
Before he knew what happened she was straddling him doing her very best to smash his face in with her tiny fists, which were definitely stronger than he remembered.  
Naruto panicked and kicked the younger, angrier version of his teammate off. “Sakura, what the hell?”  
Sakura glared at him like she wanted to rip his head off.  
“She’s just pissed you were screaming Dobe.”  
Naruto got pissed and looked at Sasuke. “What did you-” He stopped.  
Sasuke was sitting on a tree-branch. The shade of the tree he was sitting in silhouetting him in an impossible way. The very color of the world seemed to drain as it got closer to him until he looked like a black and white photograph. But what shocked Naruto the most was his eyes. Despite the fact that his teammate was definitely still 12, he looked even more deranged than he had at the Gokage summit.  
Sakura squealed like a dying animal and ran to the tress. “Sasuke-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!”  
Naruto blinked as she began futilely trying to jump up to the branch he was on. Despite the fact that she would have definitely made that jump when she was that age, she was barely getting a few inches off the ground.  
Sasuke looked at her like she was rotten trash.  
There was a splashing sound as liquid practically shot out of the bottom of Sakura’s dress.  
“Kurama, is this a genjutsu?” Naruto asked trying not to think of what he was seeing.  
“No,” a sultry female voice whispered in his ear. “Why don’t you come in here so I can… check?”  
Maybe it was the voice. Maybe it was the invitation. Maybe it was the way the voice said check - like one of Jiraya’s more forward lady-friends - but Naruto resolved that he was never doing that.  
“Kai!” He said, trying to dispel the genjutsu himself.  
Nothing happened.  
“What was that jutsu dobe?” Sasuke asked urgently.  
Naruto blinked and looked back at Sasuke. “What? It was the genjutsu dispelling technique.”  
Sasuke blinked at him, almost like he thought Naruto was lying before he sat back. “Okay, but it better not be something I can’t do.”  
“What are you-?” Naruto shook his head. He needed to get back on track. If this was a genjutsu, he was falling for it. “What about the missing-nin? How did you guys get here? Why are you so young?”  
“Shut up baka!” Sakura screamed like a roaring Bijuu as she jumped at him as if she wanted to rip his head off.  
Naruto flipped out of the way as she punched the ground he had been standing on making it explode.  
“What the hell?” He asked. So she couldn’t jump to reach Sasuke, but she was as strong as she had been after training with Tsunade when it came to fighting him?  
Sakura began screaming and Naruto was sure she’d gotten louder. “I’m admiring Sasuke you retard! Stop breathing the same air as him, you worthless wretch.”  
Naruto blinked. That actually hurt a little.  
No, he shook his head. “It’s just a genjutsu.”  
He quickly retreated from the banshee pretending to be his teammate and ran up a tree.  
Sakura glared at him before she went back to worshipping the ground beneath Sasuke.  
“Okay,” Naruto said. “I was on a joint mission with the other villages to track down some missing-nin. We found one. I jumped in front of Kurotsuchi before a blast hit her and… I have no idea.”  
He looked back at Sasuke and Sakura and blinked. Sakura had been joined by a dozen girls and they were all jumping on soaked ground. Naruto didn’t want to think about how that had happened.  
“And now we’re twelve and Sakura’s… doing that.” He looked at the sky in frustration. “What’s happening?” He screamed.  
“Naruto!” A solid wall of sound slammed into him knocking him out of the tree.  
Naruto looked up.  
Sakura and the girls, who he could have sworn were all civilians, were armed with several extremely lethal looking weapons and jumping towards him with skill he’d only ever seen in Jonin.  
He screamed in terror.

////

Sasuke recited his extended apology plan for the fiftieth time. With his eyes sealed, he didn’t really have much to do in his cell beyond go over how he planned to make up for his sins in his head. At least if Naruto’s promise to get him released actually happened.  
Sure, Sasuke was pretty sure he could escape if he tried hard enough, but that would only make things harder for team 7, even if he wasn’t going to do anything. The Raikage would definitely not be happy.  
Sasuke sighed as he wondered if roses would make Sakura feel like he was trying to hit on her. She’d probably be pissed given everything he did. Maybe Tulips?  
Suddenly, he heard the door to his cell open.  
“Sasuke!” Sakura cried.  
“Sakura?”  
“Sasuke, it’s horrible. Naruto…”  
Sasuke strained his suppressed Chakra as he ripped through his Straitjacket, activated the Preta path to absorb the chakra in the seal covering his eyes before ripping it off and looking at his teammate. “What’s wrong?” Then he blinked.  
Tsunade, Kakashi and Ibiki were also in his cell, clearly unimpressed.  
“Uh…”  
“Really?” Tsunade asked. “One crying girl and you begin escaping?”  
“Uh…”  
Kakashi groaned as he squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Well, I had a feeling that we were only holding you because you let us.”  
Sasuke shrank back from them before looking at Sakura. “What’s the emergency?”

////

Sasuke looked at the unconscious form of his best friend before looking up at the veritable congregation of ninja before him. They had all packed into a larger than normal hospital room. “What happened? And why is everyone here?” He tried really hard not to look in the Raikage’s direction.  
Tsunade began to explain. “We were having a post-war meeting when the team we’d assembled to take down all missing-nin with a connection to the Akatsuki came back. Naruto had jumped in front of an attack aimed at Kurotsuchi…”  
The kunoichi in question raised her hand.  
“…and from what we can tell, he’s trapped in a genjutsu.”  
“Wouldn’t Kurama be able to break him out?”  
Several of the ninja blinked at him.  
“The Kyuubi.” He elaborated.  
“That’s the concerning part. He hasn’t. We’ve tried to do something about it, but we were locked out.”  
Sasuke blinked. “And you want me to try and release them?”  
“Is there a better genjutsu user on this planet?”  
Sasuke looked back at his friend’s sleeping face before he looked back up. “And why are you all here?”  
“Yo. We’re worried man. So help Naruto the best you can.” Killer B rapped.  
“That, and we don’t trust you.” The Raikage elaborated.  
Sasuke sighed before looking at the unconscious Usuratonkachi. He knew firsthand how badly a prolonged genjutsu attack could mess with someone and Naruto didn’t deserve that.  
“Okay. Here I go.” He activated his Rinnegan.

////

Sasuke was lying on a bed. He could tell that much without opening his eyes. Something felt off though. He had a weight on his chest. He slowly opened his eyes.  
He looked up… and screamed.

////

Sasuke rubbed his eyes as he walked through Konoha. Old Konoha, from before Pain had destroyed it. It was a nostalgic sight. So nostalgic, he almost forgot the six girls who had been in his bedroom when he woke up. They all been drooling morons too, unable to do anything other than whine about having to leave him and recount all the wonderful things that he didn’t want to know had happened last night.  
He had been more struck by his old house than he’d expected as he did his best to clean himself up. It reminded him of the life he had before he’d left Konoha. Now it felt like he was back in time to before that.  
“Sasuke?” He heard Naruto’s voice.  
Sasuke sighed, glad Naruto had found him. He turned and looked at him… and stumbled back, covering his eyes.  
He’d always thought that Naruto’s childhood outfit had been ridiculous, but now the orange was glowing brighter than the sun.  
“Naruto… what’s up with your outfit?”  
“My outfit? Nothing. This is perfectly normal clothing. Anyway, let’s hurry up. Kakashi-sensei is waiting for us.” The Usuratonkachi ran off.  
Sasuke would have stared at the guy he’d come to rescue in shock if he could stand to look at him.  
He took one step.  
And was immediately inundated with compliments from every random passer-by, complimenting his look, his hair, his clothes, his Uchiha-ness and his ninjutsu skills.  
That last one gave him pause. How did they know how skilled he was? They were civilians.  
Before he could pursue the question however, Kakashi appeared in front of him  
Sasuke blinked at the younger version of his teacher in confusion. Why was he here? He usually didn’t appear until three hours after the stated time.  
Kakashi put a scroll in his hands. “Practice this while you wait.”  
Sasuke looked at the scroll in confusion. Then he looked at Kakashi. “What about Naruto and Sakura?”  
“What about them?” With that shockingly cold question, the copy ninja disappeared, in a flurry of leaves; Leaves that immediately buried Sasuke up to the neck.

////

Sasuke shrank back from Naruto’s body.  
“What’s wrong?” The Mizukage asked.  
“I’m not going back in there alone.” Sasuke said.


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone stared at Sasuke. “What?”  
“That’s the gist of everything that happened.”  
“Wait.” Kiba said. “You woke up with girls in your bed?”  
“Is that really what you’re focusing on.” A red-headed stone ninja asked.  
“I think it’s important.”  
Ino smacked the back of the Inuzuka’s head.  
“Anyway,” Sasuke said. “I’m pretty sure that Naruto wasn’t in that genjutsu. It’s more like a second Genjutsu was created for me.”  
“So what?” Tsunade asked. “It places you in a world where you can have everything you want?”  
Sasuke shook his head. “Not exactly. I mean…” he paused, “being twelve years old again did feel… easier. But being endlessly praised by strangers, waking up with girls in my bed, Naruto’s shiny clothes. Those are not on my list of things I’ve have wanted at any point in my life.”  
“Virgin.” Sasuke wasn’t sure who had said that, but the sound of something hard hitting flesh indicated that the offender was being punished.   
“Extra lessons from Kakashi, maybe,” he continued, “but he seemed to completely disregard Naruto and Sakura.”  
“That’s… really odd.” Shikamaru said.  
“Who was the ninja that did this to him again?”  
“It was a rouge Kusa Ninja from the Sousaku clan.” Gaara said. “I sent some messengers to get someone from their village to try and figure out how to wake him up. The actual attacker escaped after he knocked Naruto out.”  
Sasuke blinked. “So we just wait?”  
Tsunade looked at him. “Will you go back in to try and find him?”  
Sasuke looked back at Naruto. The world he was trapped in probably wasn’t that dangerous… but, he couldn’t leave him in there.  
A hand grabbed his own and he didn’t even have to look to know that it was Sakura.  
“I’ll come with you.” Sakura said.  
Sasuke looked at her with a smile. “Okay, but I’m warning you. You might not like what you see.”  
Sakura smiled. “Yeah, but that wouldn’t stop Naruto, and it sure as hell won’t stop us.”  
Sasuke smiled at her before he looked back at Naruto. What was going on in his head?

////

Naruto looked back and sure enough, he was still being chased.  
Sasuke’s army of raging fangirls had accumulated more and more people until a small army of civilians had gathered to chase him down.  
As the entire civilian population of Konoha chased him, all somehow keeping up despite his vastly superior speed and acrobatics, Naruto contemplated what would happen if he fought back. I mean… none of them were real right? And they’d attacked first. He had a right to defend himself.  
A spear whiffed past his head and planted itself in the road in front of him.  
Naruto redoubled his speed. He wasn’t interested in how real the pain they might inflict was.  
“Tsunade-Obachan.” He said as the Hokage building came into view in the distance. Perfect. She’d help.  
Right?  
Before he could contemplate this farther, another spear flew past his head.  
As blood began flowing down the cut on his cheek, Naruto decided he needed to get out of sight. The crowd was actually gaining on him. Fortunately, he spotted a familiar establishment.  
“Shadow clone Jutsu!” He yelled as he created a hundred clones and made them all run in different directions.  
“He’s trying to escape!” A voice that was very distinctly Sakura’s roared with the strength of the Juubi. “Don’t let him!”  
Naruto slipped into Ichiraku ramen as the crowd went after his many stampeding clones. He looked back at the entrance, hoping no one would follow.  
When it became clear no one was going to chase him, he nearly collapsed.  
“Naruto, are you okay?”  
Teuchi’s kind voice comforted Naruto’s heart. “O-chan.” He turned with a smile.  
And froze.  
Teuchi was floating over the counter of the restaurant,, several pitch-black bowls of ramen floating behind him in a manner very similar to the truth seeking orbs. His uniform was modified into an odd-mix of chef’s clothes and ninja-wear, with nine tomoe on the front. Horns were sticking out of his hat and in his hands were what Naruto could only describe as two over-sized chopsticks and a giant spoon.  
Naruto choked on his own confusion.  
“What’s wrong?” Teuchi asked, opening his eyes to reveal two Rinne-Sharingan. The pressure from being looked at forced Naruto to his knees, the floor cracking up beneath him.  
This power. This over-whelming power. It was unreal. Madara hadn’t been like this. Kaguya had been downright gentle compared to this. He couldn’t handle this as a simple genin.   
“Wait, I was still a genin.” He realized.  
“Sorry,” Teuchi said, closing his eyes. “I unleashed 0.000000000000000000000000001% of my power by accident.”  
Even as the memories of his clones being beaten to death flooded his mind, Naruto decided it would probably be safest for him with the angry mob and was about to turn around when Ayame ran up to the counter, looking completely normal.  
“Naruto-kun. Are you here for some Ramen?” She asked.  
Naruto looked at her. He looked back at her father then he looked at her again.  
“What’s wrong Naruto-kun?”  
“Nothing.” Naruto assured her.  
“So,” she said with a smirk. “You want your usual?”  
Naruto blinked. He looked back at her floating father. “Um… not to be rude. But what’s he doing?”  
Ayame looked at her father with a down-right offensive look of disinterest before looking back at Naruto. “I dunno. Sage of a dozen bowls-Otousan?”  
Teuchi smiled. “There’s this interesting tournament going on and one of my alter-egos is considering attending. Tending crops is fine, but that shotgun hasn’t seen much use since I decided not to kill that stupid radish.”  
Ayame sighed. “He’ll be like that for a few hours. We have the whole place to ourselves.”  
There was something in the way she’d said that that made Naruto unsure, but he was too distracted by the sage of a dozen bowls.  
“Come on.” Ayame said as she ran around the corner and grabbed his hand. “I’ve prepared your favorite Naruto-sama.”  
As she dragged him deeper into the shop. Naruto took a moment to look at her. “Sama?” He asked. And hadn’t she sounded a lot like the woman that had spoken in Kurama’s place?  
Before he could further contemplate this, the memory of a clone being burnt at the stake – fortunately dispelling itself before it could feel anything happen – entered his head and he decided that, whatever it was, it could not be as bad as everywhere else in Konoha.

////

Sakura glared hatefully at the three constructs pretending to be her teammates.  
It had been pretty clear that she’d been separated from the real Sasuke when she’d tried to get his attention and he’d gone on a rather hurtful ten-minute tirade on how she’d never amount to anything. If she had still been the same little genin she had been in this time period, she was sure he would have destroyed her. As it was, she was simply astounded by how long and in-depth he’d gone on about her complete and utter lack of worth. She counted 86 separate uses of the word useless.  
Naruto had simply patiently waited for Sasuke to finish before giving a rather lame rebuttal of ‘you’re wrong.’  
Sakura had been prepared to lay into both of them when Kakashi had arrived with their new mission: Moving a bunch of boxes.  
And that had led to her current predicament.  
Sakura stood off to the side as the boys did the heavy lifting, wondering how and why she’d put on the cheerleader’s outfit Kakashi had given her before they’d gotten to the warehouse. Considering Sasuke’s story, she was glad it wasn’t a skimpy outfit.  
“Sakura. You’re not doing anything.” Sasuke said.  
Sakura looked at him. He’d written an essay on her weakness and now wanted her to do something? “Well, Kakashi-sensei gave me this outfit so…”  
“But you’re not cheering.” Naruto said.  
Sakura looked at the other fake. Then she looked at the pompoms in her hands. She glared at him. “You know what. Why don’t I help you lift?”  
The guys all stopped moving the boxes and looked at her.  
Kakashi solemnly put the book he’d been reading into one of his jacket pockets. Naruto gently dropped the three boxes been lifting on the ground. Sasuke blinked at her.  
Then they all collapsed in hysterical laughter.  
Sakura opened her mouth to say something, but then she realized that the laughter was a lot louder than it should have been. She walked to the door and opened it.  
The sound of an entire village laughing completely threw her off. Was everyone laughing at her offer to help? How? Why?  
It occurred to Sakura that her chest was starting to hurt. They’re getting to me, she realized with horror. I’ll show them.  
She marched up to the nearest box and grabbed it before she began lifting.  
The box didn’t budge.  
“No. No, no, no, no.” She said as she struggled to get the small cardboard box her teammates had been moving with ease off the ground.  
After a minute she stopped and looked at the box before kicking it.  
The laughter intensified as she hopped on one foot in seething pain.  
“What’s in this thing?” She asked as she threw it open.  
Bubble wrap. Layers and layers of bubble warp stared Sakura in the face.  
“Okay.” Kakashi said, struggling to get up. “We need to get back to work. Sakura. Back to cheering.”  
Sakura stared at the bubble wrap. Had… had she been this weak before? Sure she wasn’t as strong as some of her peers. She was definitely the weak link on their team but… was it really this bad? Naruto and Sasuke were monsters, not normal genin. Why was this happening?  
“Sakura, get to cheering.” Sasuke snapped. Sakura looked up at him and watched as he picked up one box, walked to the other side of the warehouse and set it down.  
She blinked before shaking her head and looking again.  
She’d been too angry to see it before, but now that she was actually looking, it was obvious. They were just moving the boxes from one end of the warehouse to another.  
She bit back her laughter. She didn’t have to prove anything to these dumbasses. The genjutsu was making her see herself as weak, but clearly, she was the only person with actual brains.  
With a smile she stood up, picking up her discarded pompoms.  
“Go Sasuke.” She said, waving the pompoms around. She put one hand on her waist and pointed at the fake. “You move that mighty box. For without you to do the work, how would they get to the other side of this warehouse.”  
Sasuke nodded. “Damn straight.”  
“Yay. You’re such a badass.” Sakura cheered with a hop.  
So she wasn’t a poet, but she was absolutely going to have fun while she was stuck on this mission.

////

Sasuke had not thought that it could get worse. He had been wrong.  
Naruto would not shut up. And he was saying believe it as a bookend to every sentence. Sakura had literally draped herself on him and was kissing the side of his face. And Kakashi was absolutely nowhere to be seen.  
He considered actually doing something about it, but despite how annoying the constructs had been, it was nice to be with his team again. S o he’d simply gotten into a lotus position, let the two fade into the background and began working to untangle the genjutsu. Hopefully if he focused hard enough, he could find the real Sakura’s chakra.  
His body was as weak as it had been during his days in Konoha, but he still had the genjutsu proficiency that had allowed him to enter it in the first place.  
I’ll pull us out when Kakashi arrives, he decided. Hopefully, I’ll have made some progress.


	3. Chapter 3

Sasuke shook his head as he pulled out of Naruto’s mind. It felt a little jarring to transition back into the real world after so long. He looked at Sakura. The Kunoichi stumbled a bit but didn’t fall or let go of his hand.  
“You okay?”  
“Uh…” Sakura looked at him. He hadn’t seen her that much since he’d left, but it was obvious something had happened. “I’m fine. I just need a minute.”  
“Was it that bad?”  
Sakura froze before shaking her head. “It wasn’t very positive.” She looked him in the eye. “Was I really useless when we were kids?”  
Sasuke opened his mouth.  
“Don’t sugarcoat it because you feel bad about everything you’ve done.”  
Sasuke blinked. He contemplated his answer, “Well, you were an average genin with above average genjutsu skills, incredible technical knowledge and prodigious chakra control. I don’t think you always made the best use of your abilities, but Naruto and I would not have survived the forest of death without you.” He looked her in the eyes. “Anyone who says you’re useless is wrong.”  
Sakura smiled and looked off to the side blushing.  
“Are you gonna kiss?”  
Sasuke remembered that they had an audience and looked at all the other ninja.  
“No. I- uh. No.” Sasuke stumbled unclear on what to say. He had no social skills.  
“Smooth.” Kakashi said. “But you’re still holding hands.”  
“So, the genjutsu made you feel useless?” Sasuke said desperately changing the subject. He didn’t let go of her and though. The way she was gripping it made it clear she still wasn’t okay.  
Sakura nodded before she began talking about her experiences.  
When she was done, a Kumo nin looked at Sasuke. “Wow, you were a dick.”  
Sasuke was still struck by Sakura’s story. “He used the word useless how many times?”  
“I know. If the genjutsu hadn’t made me so weak I couldn’t carry a box of bubble-wrap, I’d have smashed his face in. What about you?”  
“Everyone worshipped the ground I walked on, Naruto wouldn’t shut up and I think I’ve figured something out.”  
This grabbed everyone’s attention. “What?” They asked.  
“I might have found Sakura. It took hours of concentration, but I think I located her chakra and mind.”  
“And, does that help?” Gaara asked.  
“It helped me map some pathways in Naruto’s head. It’s hard to explain, but I think I might have figured something out. At least until Kusa responds. A good enough map might direct me to Naruto.”  
“So… we go back?” Sakura asked.  
Sasuke looked at her critically.  
“What?”  
“Will you be okay? I mean, if its messing with your self-esteem...”  
“My self-esteem is fine.” She let go of his hand. “Naruto is not. Who knows what’s happening to him in there?”  
“Wait.” Ino said. “If you’re mapping out Naruto’s mind, then wouldn’t having more minds involved help with the tracking process?”  
Sasuke looked at the Yamanaka. “You’re right. But it took me quite a while to locate Sakura. If I were to add more people, it would be better to add them one at a time. So the question is, who’s coming with us first?”  
“I think Ino should.” Shikamaru said. “You know her better than anyone else in her clan and she’s experienced in entering the minds of others.”  
Ino looked at her teammate. She clearly hadn’t been expecting that.  
“Well?” Sasuke asked.  
“Of course I’m not going to say no.” Ino said as she walked up to the last Uchiha.  
Sasuke nodded. He grabbed Sakura’s hand, hoping he didn’t look to eager, and…  
… stared at the stump where his other hand used to be.  
“I forgot about that.” He said.  
Ino raised an eyebrow. “So, do I touch your forehead or…”  
With an acute application of chakra, a mechanical arm shot out of Sasuke’s empty sleeve.  
Everyone stared at it.  
“I wasn’t planning on making a spare arm, ever, but desperate times.” Sasuke explained. He held the new appendage out to Ino.  
She looked at it in pure disgust before tentatively grabbing it.  
Sasuke looked back at Naruto and activated his Rinnegan Genjutsu.

////

Ino calmly walked through Konoha looking around for any obvious differences. Like Sasuke and Sakura had described, she was in her genin body again which felt awkward after having gotten used to her more mature teenage body.  
“Okay,” she said out loud. “Whatever the change is, it should be related to Naruto in some way. So I just have to find him.” She stopped. “Where did Naruto live again?”  
Twenty minutes later, Ino had her hand raised to knock om Naruto’s front door..  
She paused as she contemplated what might happen. At this age, she and Sakura had tied in the chunin exams. Was she about to be given a test of strength like Sakura, or would Naruto be a chatter box like in Sasuke’s genjutsu?  
Before she could knock, the door swung open and Tenten stumbled out.  
The two girls looked at each other.  
Ino looked the weapons user over. She looked, and smelled, like she’d run a marathon. Her clothes were covered in tears and she was clearly having trouble standing. But most creepy of all she had a gooey smile on her face.  
“Are you okay?”  
Tenten looked off dreamily. “Yeah. Have fun.” And with that, she stumbled away. Ino looked at her before looking at the entrance to Naruto’s apartment.  
Gulping she walked in.  
Naruto was sitting on a recliner, wearing an orange fur suit with a tiger pattern visible on the inside. He also had a wide brimmed hat and no shirt to cover his chest. He looked up at her.  
“Oh, hey Ino.”  
Ino covered her nose. “The smell is even worse inside. And you’re dressed like a pimp.”  
Naruto rolled his eyes. “Come on Ino. I thought we agreed you’d be less of a bitch.”  
“I made no such agreement. And don’t call me a bitch.”  
“Yes you did.”  
“No, I didn’t.”  
“Yes.” Naruto said forcefully, “You did. As long as I continued to reward you.”  
Reward me with what?  
Naruto jumped off the recliner and, before Ino could stop him, pulled down his pants.  
Ino stared in fascination and horror.  
“Like what you see?” Naruto asked.  
And then it got bigger. And then it hit the floor.  
“Now, get over here so I can stuff you.”  
When Ino stopped running, she was hiding under the bed in her own room.  
That wasn’t normal. That wasn’t normal. It’s some sort of weapon. That thing will kill someone. How…  
She was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of her door opening and closing.  
“Ino?”  
“Hinata?” Ino asked as she crawled out from under the bed.  
“Are you okay?” Hinata asked.  
Ino stood up. “Yeah I just, saw something scary.”  
“Yeah, Naruto told me.”  
Ino froze. Hinata was in love with Naruto. Of course she knew.  
“I don’t see why you’re scared now. You didn’t have a problem last week when…”  
“I don’t want to hear it.” Ino screamed covering her ears.  
“Okay.” Hinata said. “But really, I don’t get why you’re scared. It’s not that bad.”  
“I have no interest in doing… that with Naruto.”  
“Really?” Hinata didn’t seem to understand.  
“Yes.” Ino said, shocked at her shy friend’s behavior. And then another thought hit her. “Also, we’re 12.”  
“Yes.” Hinata said.  
“I-I don’t…” Ino didn’t know what to say.  
“Don’t worry. You’ll enjoy it when you get started.”  
“What part of I don’t want to start do you not understand?”  
“Oh, we all start like that, but then we begin to enjoy it and that’s that.”  
It dawned on Ino that an extended stay in this genjutsu could do irreparable harm to her psyche.  
“Wh-where’s Naruto now?”  
“He got sad. So Tsunade-Sama, Sakura, Sasuki and Anko went to comfort him.” Hinata said it like she was commenting on the weather.  
Ino stared at the girl. “Two of those people are older than 20.”  
“Yup.”  
“Wait, who’s Sasuki?”  
Hinata rolled her eyes. “Now I know you’re messing with me. Like you don’t know who Sasuki Uchiha is.”

Ino.exe has crashed.  
Data was too complicated.  
Carrying out Diagnostics.  
Reanalyzing input.  
Sasuki Uchiha. S. Uchiha.  
S. Uchiha.  
S. Uchiha and Naruto.  
Together.  
In that way.

“Ino, you’re bleeding.”  
Ino wiped the blood from her nose. “Hmm? No I don’t wanna see.” She affirmed panicking at the possible suspicion.  
Hinata cocked her head. “What?”  
“Nothing.”  
Hinata shrugged. “Oh well, I have to get there quickly before they tire Naruto out.”  
As the Hyuga heiress left to be with Pimp Naruto. Ino collapsed onto her bed. “Get me out of here Sasuke.” She said as she began using some clan techniques to reach out with her mind.  
She briefly wondered where this genjutsu had come from. Was Naruto a pervert? Or did she just subconsciously think of him as one. Was she the pervert?

////

“Let me go you pervert!” Naruto jumped out of Ayame’s bedroom window and down to the street before he took off running. By the time he stopped, he realized that he was back at the training ground he’d just been chased from.  
Sasuke and Sakura were calmly standing around.  
Naruto shrank back before he looked around. The angry mob was gone.  
“Where did everyone go?” He asked.  
“What are you talking about retard, dobe, son of a bitch, dumbass?”  
Naruto looked at Sasuke. “What?”  
“Did I stutter?”  
“No you didn’t Sasuke-kun.” Sakura said, her words shaking the earth beneath their feet by its magnitude. The heavens parted, the animals panicked and rushed to escape. Naruto had to dig a kunai into the ground to keep from being thrown back.  
Sasuke, who’d been standing next to her simply nodded as if a bomb hadn’t just gone off next to his ear.  
It was at that moment that Kakashi lazily wondered into the training ground. “Hey kids.”  
Naruto stared at the adult. Had no one noticed when half of Konoha’s population assembled to kill a 12-year-old? Why hadn’t they done anything?  
“So anyway,” Kakashi said. “I think we should do some sparring.”  
Naruto sighed. Just a little sparring. “Finally, something easy. I can totally take Sasuke. Wait until I-”  
He threw himself to the side to avoid the fireball Sasuke sent at him.  
“Sasuke, what they fu-” They hadn’t even made the seal of confrontation yet.  
“I know you have a jutsu!” Sasuke screamed. “I’ll beat it out of you. For I am an Uchiha. The greatest member of the greatest clan on the face of the earth. All other nations shall bow before me! I shall use my awesome natural talent power to wipe the floor with your worthless retarded ass to prove my inherent superiority to all living things great and small in this pathetic world. The Kages will bow before my almighty Sharingan. The Akatsuki are nothing but insignificant rats I will destroy. I will soon kill my brother and then, show the world the terror of the Uchiha as I use the greatest dojutsu, the Sharingan to kill everyone who stands in my way. All shall fear me and despair. It is my birthright as the new god of Shinobi-”  
“Inherent superiority?” Naruto asked, realizing that this would never end if he let it go on. “By beating my ‘worthless ass?’ If I’m worthless, what’s even the point? The real Sasuke would never want to fight me if he didn’t think I was strong.”  
“I am the real Sasuke! And I want to fight you because I know you are weak.” Sasuke yelled as he charged up the Chidori and began running at Naruto.  
Naruto blinked. Sasuke wasn’t running fast. He was so slow. He’d been faster fresh out of the academy. Yet he knew the Chidori?  
Naruto flipped out of the way of the attack.  
“What happened to all your training?” Naruto asked.  
“Training?” Sasuke asked. “I don’t need to train. I am an Uchiha. I am the best by default.”  
Naruto felt something in his mind screech to a halt. “You don’t train?”  
“Of course not. It would cut into my brooding time. And then what will the fangirls have to do with their lives if not faun over me?”  
Naruto felt insulted. “Then how did you learn the Chidori?”  
“I copied it.”  
“You copied lightning transformation?”  
“Yeah. The same way I copied Lee’s Taijutsu and speed.”  
“You saw him kick you in the face once. The Sharingan doesn’t work like that. Also, you’d never be able to pull off any of Lee’s jutsu while you’re that weak.”  
Sasuke’s answer was another Chidori.  
Naruto stood his ground  
As the Uchiha reached Naruto, the Jinchuriki grabbed Sasuke’s forearm, raised it up so the Chidori was harmlessly aimed at the sky and punched the prick in the face, sending him stumbling back.  
Kakashi was next to him in an instant. “Speak to me my precious student. Are you okay?”  
“He charged at me with the Chidori twice!” Naruto exclaimed.  
Kakashi glared at him. “I expected better from you.”  
“What?” Naruto deflated. The world was stacked against him and he didn’t know what to do.  
“Now, you’ll be banished by the civilian council for hurting the precious Uchiha.”  
“Please don’t call him that.” Naruto said. Suddenly, he felt a burst of power.  
He looked to the side.  
Sakura glared at him.  
“Oh no.”  
She took in a breath as a torrent of wind flew into her mouth.  
Kakashi picked Sasuke, who was crying like a bitch, up and jumped away.  
“NNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
The ground burst open. The trees were uprooted. All windows in Konoha shattered. Birds fell from the sky, dead.  
All the animals in the fire country were silenced.  
The people of Suna took cover as a sandstorm blew at them from the direction of Konoha.  
The people of Kiri stared as the waves exploded, the already turbulent sea swelling as if in answer to an incredible beast.  
The people of Iwa were shaken as the mountains around them cracked.  
The people of Kumo stared as a great wind blew the clouds their village was named for away.  
The people of the other villages are not important enough to get their own sentences. Except Pain who stared at the direction the scream had come from, wondering if there was another Rinnegan wielder out in the world.  
And Naruto… Naruto was thrown all the way to the Hokage monument by the force of the explosion.  
“Kurama!” He screamed.  
“Ugh, I’ve got you my baby Kit.” The woman moaned.  
Naruto contemplated just taking the hit and seeing if death would wake him up, but then he felt himself get encased in the boiling red chakra that he had access to with Kurama’s seal in place right before he slammed into the monument.  
It saved his life. Now if only it didn’t feel like every bone in his body was broken. Or like the chakra on him was licking him.

////

Is it hypocritical of me to make fun of tropes I use in my most popular story?  
Tell me what you think? Reviews give me power.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it hypocritical of me to make fun of tropes I use in my most popular story?  
> Tell me what you think. Reviews give me power.


	4. Chapter 4

Naruto groaned as he forced his eyes open.  
“Wh-where am I?”  
“Naruto?” A tear-filled voice asked.  
“Wait… Hinata?” Naruto looked at the Hyuga heiress. As soon as their eyes met, she froze.  
“Hina-?” Naruto was interrupted as she turned an almost bright fluorescent red. Foam burst out of her mouth, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she fell off her chair.  
“Ugh, she’s always like that.”  
Naruto looked at the source of the voice. “Shikamaru?” Then he looked around realizing where they were. “Why am I in the hospital?”  
Look at yourself.  
Naruto looked down. He was covered head to toe in bandages. “Oh.” And then the pain hit. “Ugh, I feel like I just fought Sasuke again.”  
“Well, yeah. You broke his nose.” Shikamaru said unimpressed.  
“Not that one.” Naruto said, more to himself. Then he looked at the Nara “He was so weak.” Naruto said. “And he was bragging so much.”  
“Well, unfortunately, now the council has decided to banish you.”  
Naruto blinked. Kakashi had said something like that before Sakura had screamed him into the monument. “What council? And what do you mean banish?”  
“They said that since you’ve been hiding your immense power, as evidenced by you defeating Sasuke the great and powerful, and your pulling out the Kyubi chakra, they’ve decided to banish you for the safety of the village.”  
“But I’m a Jin- Wait. How did you know about the Kyubi?”  
“Duh, I’m smart.”  
Naruto waited for more of an explanation. He didn’t get one.  
“Okay.” He said. “Why are you guys here.”  
It was then that Naruto remembered Hinata. “Wait. Is Hinata okay?”  
“She’ll be fine.” Shikkamaru dismissed.  
“I don’t think she will.”  
“She does that all the time, don’t mind her.”  
Naruto tried to peer over the bed but flinched from the pain and fell back.  
“Why are you guys here?” Naruto asked.  
“Well duh” Shikamaru said. “I’m your friend.”  
Naruto blinked. “You are?”  
“Yeah, we’ve been friends since the academy.”  
“We have?”  
The door burst open. Tsunade rushed in. “Naruto.”  
“Ah, Baa-chan.” Naruto froze. Tsunade was crying. She was crying really sloppy tears, complete with snot running down her nose and onto her boobs.  
“It’s terrible. The council has decided to banish you for being a danger to the others.”  
“I punched Sasuke after he tried to kill me.”  
Tsunade wept harder.  
“And can’t you overrule them? You’re the Hokage.”  
“Yes, but I can’t go against the council like this. I’m too helpless.”  
Naruto felt his anger built. “What fucking council?”  
Tsunade ignored him. “You have to be out of Konoha by sunset or an execution order will be released on you.”  
“What?!”  
“I’m sorry I failed you.” She turned around and ran out.  
“I’ll come with you!” Hinata yelled.  
Naruto looked at her. She passed out again.  
“Those damn people have always had it out for you.” Shikamaru said.  
Naruto looked at him balefully.

////

Sakura grumbled as she kicked the training dummy. She was too slow, too weak, too soft. She’d never be able to build herself back to her genin levels of power while so weak.  
And her ‘teammates’ weren’t helping.  
“Isn’t that cute.” Naruto said. “She’s training.”  
Sasuke scoffed. “Not like it’ll help.”  
Ignore them, Sakura thought as she remembered the real Sasuke’s assessment of her abilities. She complied her chakra into her fist and punched the dummy. On impact, she released it.  
The wooden dummy cracked.  
“Ha.” She laughed.  
She looked back at her teammates.  
“Wow.” Naruto said. “See, Sasuke. She has gotten stronger.”  
Sakura smiled.  
Naruto then turned to his own training dummy and punched it. It exploded into splinters.  
Sakura’s jaw dropped.  
“I bet she’ll be strong enough to do that when she’s an adult.” Naruto said with a smile.  
Sakura grit her teeth. She looked at Sasuke.  
“Why are you looking at me trashbag?”  
She turned back to the dummy and punched it in anger.  
Another crack appeared.

////

Ino opened her door.  
Naruto smiled at her. Ino slammed the door.  
“I just want to talk.” Naruto said.  
“No.”  
“Come on Ino. I know you miss me.”  
“You know nothing, Naruto.”  
“Just let me in.”  
“No.”  
Naruto groaned. “You know what. Fine, but you don’t know what you’re missing.”  
Ino listened to the sound of him walking away. “Finally.”  
“Hello, Ino’s mother.”  
“What?” Ino threw the door open.

////

Sasuke pulled himself and the two kunoichi out of Naruto’s mind.  
“Stay away from my mother you fucking pervert!” Ino screamed. And then she froze as she realized that everyone was looking at her. “Oh, I’m back.”  
“I found your mind.” Sasuke informed her as he studied her, trying to figure out what she’d seen.  
“Oh, great.” Ino said.  
“What was happening in there?” Sasuke asked.  
“I don’t want to say.”  
“Was it that bad?” Sakura asked.  
“Yes.” Ino looked at Sasuke. “You said that you found me?”  
Sasuke nodded. “It was a lot easier at certain points. I could zero in on fear and anger at the last moment.”  
Ino blinked. “You can trace extreme emotions.” She observed.  
“Not just that. Using the two of you as a beacon, I found a third mind.”  
Sakura blinked. “Kurama?”  
“He must be in his own genjutsu. Which is worrying. Whoever did this put both Naruto and Kurama in a genjutsu and I can’t break it. I’m literally the only person on the planet who could pull that off.” He looked at the other ninja. “Have we received word from Kusa?”  
“The shinobi we sent should be on their way back now.” The Raikage said.  
Sasuke nodded. He looked back at the assmebled ninjas. “So, any volunteers to go back in? You’ll probably become a genin again.”  
Sasuke noticed Ino freeze. “What’s wrong?”  
“Did you see something?” Sakura asked.  
“I’m a genin in that genjutsu,” she observed.  
“Yes…” Sasuke said slowly. Where was she going with this?  
“I want to go back in.”  
Sasuke blinked. “Are you sure?” Given her declaration about her mother, he’d been sure her experience was just as bad as Sakura’s but…  
Ino nodded vigorously. “Yes.”  
“Okay.” He said. “Who’s coming with us next?”  
A hand slowly went up.  
“Hinata?” Sasuke asked.  
The Hyuga girl nodded. “I really want to help Naruto.” She said, determined.  
Sasuke looked at the girl who he only remembered as being meek and quiet. And now she was looking at him with a fire in her eyes. “Okay.” He said but brace yourself. “Who knows what you will encounter in there.”

////

Ino snuck out of her room quietly. She looked around. No sign of Narupimp. She walked out. “Dad!” She yelled.  
“Ino?” Inoichi Yamanaka answered from outside the house.  
Without thinking, Ino began to run. She came to a stop at the backyard to see her dad tending to his garden of beautiful flowers.  
“Ino?” He asked.  
Ino stared at the face she’d thought he’d never see again. When the Jubi had attacked the Headquarters, everything had been vaporized. There wasn’t even a body left. And now here her father stood in all of his glory, in a dirty gardening outfit with a watering can in one hand. Without thinking, she ran and tackled him into a hug.  
Forget Pimp Naruto. This genjutsu was fine in her book.

////

Hinata was having mixed feelings about this genjutsu. On one hand, her father was more supportive of her seeking a relationship with Naruto than she imagined possible. On the other…  
“And so, when Hinata and the Uzumaki get married, they will have the ultimate ninja children.” Hiashi said. Hinata couldn’t actually hear him, but she could read his lips.  
She’d activated the Byakugan as soon as she’d woken up in her room at the age of 12, only to discover that there was a huge cavern beneath the Hyuga compound. Her father was speaking to a bunch of robed Hyuga in some odd cult-like meeting. A cult with a very peculiar purpose.  
“Now, Hinata is now on Naruto’s radar now that he’s defended her honor from her horrible cousin.”  
Neji nodded sagely.  
“Now, we need to arrange for them to interact more. I have several happy accidents planned that should accelerate the process. We will succeed in our endeavors. NaruHina will happen! All according to Keikaku!”  
“All according to Keikaku,” the gathered Hyuga’s repeated.  
Hinata decided to along with it. But only because Sasuke needed strong emotions, something Naruto was guaranteed to elicit in her. Yes. That was the only reason. It had nothing to do with having her clan helping her get together with her crush. Nothing at all.

////

Sasuke leaned back in his chair as he concentrated on the minds he could trace. Ino was absolutely radiating joy, which only made him more suspicious and Sakura was a low thrum of annoyance. Now just to find Hinata. He picked a naruto out of his ramen and ate it.  
“Hey, Sasuke.”  
Sasuke stopped. That sounded like Naruto. And yet, it sounded so different. He turned around.  
The world seemed to slow to a crawl as he laid eyes on his rival.  
Naruto was in a black leather jacket with small spikes sticking out of the shoulders. Instead of normal sleeves however, they ended in gauntlets that seemed to be melded into the fabric. Under the Jacket he had what looked like plate armor with a black skull painted on it. It also had several chains trailing behind him. His lower body was no better; he was in leather pants, held together by what appeared to be forty belts, and steel toed combat boots.  
Naruto’s hair was slicked back with what must have been a lot of hair gel and he was wearing shades. And he had three swords and a Fuma shuriken on his back as well as a giant scroll. The scroll looked similar to how Naruto’s super-badass entrance (the blonde’s words, not his) to fight Pain had been described to him.  
Sasuke felt many emotions at that moment. At the forefront was shame for letting this monstrosity sneak up on him.  
Naruto, somehow moving in his ridiculous getup, whipped off his shades and looked off solemnly. “I’ve decided to stop using my mask. I will now show the world the true face of Naruto Uzumaki.” He looked balefully at Sasuke. “And I will begin by showing everyone how much I have been holding back. By proving once and for all that I am stronger than you. I will have you admit it.”  
Now, Sasuke was a proud individual. And under most circumstances, he would not let such a blatant challenge go unanswered.  
But frankly, the genjutsu was starting to scare him. And he’d had enough with fighting his best friend.  
“Yep Naruto-Sama,” he said. “You’re definitely stronger than me.” He turned back to his ramen, hoping that would be the end of it.  
It wasn’t of course, as Sasuke had to leap out of his chair to avoid being decapitated by… was that Kubikiribocho?  
Naruto pointed the blade at Sasuke. “This pathetic rivalry ends now. It is beneath me.”  
Sasuke blinked. “But you started our rivalry.” He dodged again, avoiding an overhead strike.  
“I am Naruto Uzumaki, Prince of Darkness and heir to the Uzushiogakure throne and the Kitsune clan. I will not be denied any longer!”  
“Fuck my life.” Sasuke said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys. Good news and Bad news. Good news: I got a job. Bad news: My fanfic output is going to take a significant hit. Yes, even more than school starting dealt it. I felt it was only fair I gave you a warning instead of leaving you wondering whether or not I was dead.


	5. Chapter 5

Sasuke ducked under the swing of the sword Naruto had aimed for his head. As the blade whizzed inches from his face, Sasuke recognized it as the same blade that he’d owned for almost three years.  
He jumped back, landing on the side of the building behind him. “Usuratonkashi, where the hell did you get Kusanagi? Is that real?”  
Naruto rolled his eyes so smoothly, Sasuke almost thought they wouldn’t stop and would roll out if his head. “The complexities of my acquiring this blade would surely escape your feeble mind, but I assure you.” He pointed both of the swords in his hands at Sasuke. “It is real.”  
Sasuke blinked, too busy trying to comprehend how Naruto was dual wielding Suigetsu’s Kubikiribocho and his Kusanagi. Expertly.  
He ran up the building to avoid being cleaved in half before reaching into his pouch and pulling out a kunai tied to string. With a throw and a tug, he was across the street while Naruto was only halfway up the building.  
Sasuke kept running, focusing on his Rinnegan powers. If he pulled out now, he’d have to start again. Where the hell was Hinata. The sooner he found her and Kurama, the sooner he could get out of this nightmare. 

////

Hinata took a sip of her drink before looking across the table at the confused Naruto.  
“So…” he said looking around. “Neji said that you wanted to talk and have lunch.”  
Two bowls of freshly made ramen materialized on the picnic cloth they were sitting on.  
“Awesome.” Naruto said as he prepared to eat. Then he stopped. “So… what about your family?”  
Hinata casually glanced to the side.  
Scattered around the park, decked out in camo gear that did not hide them, with fake bushes tied to their helmets and all holding two small branches to their faces, doing extraordinarily bad jobs at hiding themselves, was the entire Hyuga clan.  
Hinata looked back at Naruto. “What about them?”  
“They seem… a little off.”  
“They made the ramen.” Hinata informed him.  
“My favorite kind of off.” Naruto changed his tune in record time.  
Hinata simply smiled as she picked up her own bowl of Ramen. She hoped Sasuke took his time to pull her out.

////

“This sure is taking its sweet ass time,” Sasuke said as he ducked under a fruit cart and hopped over a fence.  
Both things were sliced in half behind him.  
Sasuke began desperately running through hand signs before lowering his hand as he prepared for his signature jutsu.  
Nothing happened.  
Sasuke was so shocked, he almost didn’t dodge a spray of senbon that had almost finished the job Haku started.  
A glance behind him revealed that, yes, Naruto had made a dozen shadow clones to assist in his pursuit.  
Sasuke activated his Sharingan.  
This proved to have been the right choice as he was forced to dance around a rain of senbon while maintaining his forward momentum and keeping his eyes on the incoming attacks.  
More than a few managed to pierce his body.  
Sasuke was so distracted, he almost missed the sight of the kunoichi that appeared in front of him. With a quick kick-off, Sasuke flew over Sakura. And then, with a panicked realization, he threw two of his stringed up Kunai, capturing Sakura and pulling her to him right as the ground she had been standing on was peppered with needles.  
“Sasuke-kun.” She gasped.  
Sasuke couldn’t answer her, too pre-occupied with Naruto who had jumped into the air, both swords raised, prepared to turn both of his teammates into mincemeat.  
Sasuke briefly wondered if this was his punishment for all the things he’d done to his friends before he threw Sakura aside, out of harm’s way and made the second most familiar set of hand signs in his arsenal. “Fire style: Fireball Jutsu.”  
Naruto used Kubikiribocho to block the attack, which also kept him from seeing Sasuke.  
The last Uchiha landed on the ground and bounced back at Naruto who moved the sword just in time for Sasuke’s fist to slam into his face.  
The clone disappeared with a puff of smoke.  
Sasuke blinked before he looked around.  
A dozen Narutos were in the air around him, their blades raised to dismember him from all sides.  
Sasuke closed his eyes. He breathed in, then he breathed out.  
He thought back to the real Naruto. Staring down up at him as he bled out on what would become the great Naruto bridge. Standing opposite him in the valley of the end. Standing beside him in the fourth great ninja war. Lying bleeding out next to him in what would probably be renamed the crater of the end.  
Lying under a genjutsu sleep, suffering some unknown fate. Probably one worse than what Sasuke was going through.  
Sasuke opened his eyes. He may have the body of a genin, but he had the skills and experience to make up for it.  
With a twist, he dodged an overhead slash, slamming his one foot into the clone’s face and another into the flat of his Kusanagi. Before the clone could disappear, Sasuke jumped from his blade, nailing a second Naruto in the side of the head with a flying knee.  
He threw three shuriken, all of which were intercepted by the Naruto clones they were aimed for, but those only served as distractions as three other shuriken, hidden in the shadows of the first three, went unnoticed and dispelled the clones.  
With a display of acrobatics that had his muscles screaming at him, he swung his legs out of the way of another attack before using the fireball jutsu to dispel the clone and one behind it.  
He barely had time to recognize his accomplishment before a kick to the side jarred him. Ignoring the pain, he used his arm to grab the offending foot before pulling, simultaneously raising himself higher in the air while putting himself in the position to punch the clone in the face, dispelling it.  
He looked up, only to see six blades aimed at his body.  
Sasuke stared, his sharingan giving him all the information on what was happening. His own experience as a sword master revealed two things. Firstly, that there was an opening, and secondly, that there was no way he was getting out of the attack unharmed.  
With a swing of his legs and a repositioning of his arms, Sasuke turned around midair so that he was upside down and spinning. He slid through the opening he’d seen, avoiding most of the blades.  
Keyword: most.  
He hissed as he felt one cut into his back, but forced himself to ignore his body’s protests at the prospect of ever moving again in order to punch two of the Naruto clones that attacked him in the face, simultaneously flipping himself to deliver a kick to the skull of the third and use him as a stepping stone, both launching himself even higher and sending dispelling the clone.  
There were three Narutos left, all glaring at him. All below him.  
“Fire Style: Phoenix Flower Jutsu.”  
The clones began parrying the many fireballs that were launched at them while dodging the ones that were too off the mark to hit them with their own feats of acrobatics, as if they weren’t wearing what should have been protective armor.  
Sasuke focused on his chakra. Specifically on the few fireballs he had carefully aimed so that Naruto would just dodge them. With a thought, he made the fireballs turn in midair.  
All three Narutos smirked before flipping around and, with his own hand signs, performed his own jutsu.  
“Wind style: Great Breakthrough.”  
All the fire was dispelled by the explosion of wind from the Narutos’ mouths.  
The many Shuriken hidden within, not so much.  
All three Naruto’s groaned as the shuriken nailed them in the arms and face as Sasuke had aimed them, dispelling all but one.  
It was at this point that Sasuke’s body decided to remind him what happens when you push past your limits. He froze up as most of his muscles seemed to burst into fire.  
Both he and Naruto fell to the ground.  
Sasuke groaned as he blinked the tears out of his eyes. With a grunt, he forced himself to his feet.  
Naruto glared at him with utter contempt. Sasuke stared back blankly.  
“Well?” Naruto asked. “Do you continue to look down on me?”  
Sasuke glanced in the direction he’d thrown Sakura. She was fine of course, having stuck to the side of the building and watched the entire encounter with shocked eyes. She was still restrained though.  
He looked back at Naruto who was getting angry. “Well?”  
Sasuke almost laughed. Naruto was getting so offended by his lack of a response that Sasuke was reminded of Deidara, the crazy bomber who decided blowing himself up was a better option than just telling Sasuke where Itachi was.  
Naruto raised both his swords easily, leaving Sasuke confused as to how the giant cleaver wasn’t offsetting Naruto’s weight. Then he blinked. He knew that stance. If executed perfectly, both of Naruto’s arms would be pointing behind him. Sasuke would be in pieces.  
“Well Uchiha?” Naruto asked.  
“Can I surrender?” Sasuke asked.  
“After your years of looking down on me? After your insults and claims that you were a better ninja than me? Never.”  
Sasuke wondered if this Naruto had just completely forgotten his own role in their rivalry or was happy to ascribe all of the negative parts to Sasuke and call it a day.  
“You’ve done nothing but hurt me and disregarded everyone, and now you deserve to die.”  
That hit Sasuke way too close to home.  
Sasuke’s arms fell limply to his sides, the image of the real Naruto’s bloody chest, an arm shoved into it appearing in his head.  
The genjutsu Naruto ran at him.  
Sasuke watched lazily. Maybe he was right.  
“My dream is for all Shinobi to work together! And that includes you!” Naruto's battered smiling face appeared in his mind.  
The genjutsu Naruto swung both swords.  
He cut through nothing but air.  
“What-?”  
Sasuke glared at the back of the fake Naruto from his position, running through all of his hand signs.  
The fake seemed to finally notice the extra weight on his arm and turned to look at Sasuke.  
Sasuke, from his crouched position, stuck to the bottom of Suigetsu’s sword, blasted fire directly into the face that stared at him in shock.  
He may have screamed. Sasuke couldn’t hear it over the roar of his own flames.  
With a jump, he ripped Kusanagi from Naruto’s hand and tried to land on his feet.  
That failed as Sasuke’s legs gave up on him and he tumbled inelegantly onto the street.  
“I can’t move.” He realized. He supposed that it was fair. At this point in the genjutsu, he wasn’t physically capable of most of the things he had forced himself to do.  
He supposed it was a good thing he couldn’t feel anything from the neck down.  
And then he felt the malevolence.  
With a start, his eyes moved to what should have been the fake Naruto’s half-charred body.  
Instead, covered in red chakra, with two tails sticking out from behind him, Naruto’s red eyes glared hatefully at Sasuke.  
Sasuke considered his options. They all ended in death except one.  
With a grunt of exertion, Sasuke forced his eyes to work. He hadn’t known this jutsu when he was in Konoha, but if he could just remember how it worked…  
Sasuke landed with in the middle of Naruto’s mindscape.  
He turned to suppress Kurama.  
The nine-tailed fox glared down at him; no sign of the cage meant to hold him anywhere.  
Sasuke stared at the chakra beast he was in no way prepared to fight.  
Kurama raised a paw.  
At that moment, Sasuke was catapulted out of Naruto’s mind as the genjutsu collapsed.  
He blinked the blurriness out of his eyes before realizing that Naruto had changed. Now, he had three tails out and was barely visible through the thick chakra.  
Naruto raised his hand and Kurama’s chakra began to move in his it, forming the same Rasengan that had clashed with Sasuke’s Chidori lament. Sasuke realized that he’d never actually learned what Naruto had named this jutsu.  
Wait, Sasuke thought. So he knows the Rasengan, but I don’t get to use the Chidori?  
His indignation was cut short as Naruto crouched back, prepared to launch himself.  
Sasuke blinked as he felt a spike of annoyance and embarrassment. He quickly latched onto it, identifying the chakra as Hinata’s chakra.  
The fake Naruto jumped.  
Sasuke pulled out of the genjutsu.

////

When Neji had asked Hinata to go for a walk with him, Hinata had hoped to get some free time with her now deceased cousin. Going on dates with Naruto was fun, well, as fun as doing so under the strict watch of her family could be, but this may very well be the closest thing she got to a talk with the real Neji.  
So, as she hung from a waterfall, over a river that had somehow had sharks in it, while Neji, disguised as a shinobi from the village hidden in the Keikaku fought Naruto who had shown up to save her, she wondered if she should have just stuck to dating Naruto.  
Her pondering was interrupted when Naruto delivered a kick to the disguised ninja’s chin, sending him flying into the forest.  
Hinata sighed in relief.  
And then she stumbled forward as she found herself in Naruto’s hospital room again.  
Sasuke on the other hand collapsed to his one free hand and knees, panting like he was about to have a panic attack.  
“Sasuke,” Sakura said, alarmed. “Are you okay?”  
Sasuke exhaled a breath like he’d been holding it for days before sitting up. “Perfectly fine.” He said. Hinata wondered if he’d always been such a bad liar.  
“That’s great.” Sakura said.  
“Wait,” Ino said, “I think Shikamaru should come in with us next.”  
Everyone stared at the Yamanaka.  
“Why?” the Nara in question asked.  
“Because, uh… because…”  
Sakura shook her head. “While Ino comes up with a reason, I think we should take a break.”  
“What?” Sasuke asked.  
“Don’t what me. You clearly need a break.”  
Sasuke stared at her. “I don’t…”  
“…have a choice.” Sakura completed sternly. She was using her doctor voice. No one disagreed with the doctor voice. Legend had it that she’d once used it to stop Tsunade from drinking and gambling.  
Frankly, the whole Kaguya debacle as Naruto had explained it was more realistic, but it was still impressive.  
Sasuke looked down. “Yes ma’am.”  
Having cowed the demi-god, Sakura looked at her unconscious teammate sadly. “I don’t want to leave him in there, but he wouldn’t want you endangering your mental health for him, okay.”  
Sasuke nodded mutely.  
Sakura held out her hand, helping the Uchiha back to his feet.  
“So…” Sasuke said, looking back at his audience. “I guess it’s back to my cell?”  
Tsunade shrugged. “The prison is quite a distance away. This is just a short break.” She looked conflicted before nodding. “Just don’t leave the hospital.”  
Sasuke nodded.  
Tsunade turned to the assembled ninja. “Alright, we have a half an hour break to give our explorers some rest, and then we go back to the search.”  
As everyone filed out of the room, Sasuke looked at Sakura. “Now what?”  
Sakura looked him up and down before glancing at Ino and Hinata. “He needs a makeover.”  
Sasuke blanched.  
Hinata thought about it.  
Ino squealed.  
Sasuke looked at the other two girls and looked like he was about to ask to be put back in his cell.  
“I will help.”  
Everyone looked at the source of the voice.  
Sai smiled back.  
Sasuke facepalmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN:  
> Well that got more serious than I expected. What did you guys think?  
> Please don’t forget to leave your reviews along with anything you might want to see happen next.


	6. Chapter 6

The assembled ninja stared at the last Uchiha.  
Sasuke did his best to act like nothing had happened.  
Ino, Sakura, Hinata and Sai looked proud, at least beneath their amused faces.  
“So…” Sasuke said. “Shikamaru’s next right?  
“Are we not talking about it?” The Nara asked.  
“No.” Sasuke said.  
The Uchiha said that, but no one could take it seriously. He was in a form fitting black shirt with white and red accents, with his empty sleeve tied by a blue cloth. His equally black jeans only had red accents on the sides, but complimented his figure greatly, and to top it all off, he had a black cloak that stopped just above his ankles. This was to say nothing of his washed, brushed and styled hair.  
The ninja who had known him as a child were acutely reminded why the former criminal had been so appealing to girls.  
“I always knew he could have been a model.” Ino noted. Then she smirked and held up a camera. “And I have pictures of all of his other outfits.”  
“Destroy that.” Sasuke said Sasuke said holding his hand out for the camera. The beads on his wrist clacked from the motion.  
Ino held the machine protectively to her chest “Never. Teasing you is too much fun.”  
“Yeah,” Sai said. “If only we had more time. I’d have loved to break out the make-up.”  
I was a dangerous missing-nin last months, Sasuke thought before turning to Naruto’s unconscious form. “Let’s get back to why we’re here.” He undid the cloth trying off his empty sleeve.  
“Do you think Naruto is doing okay?” Hinata asked.  
“I’m sure he’s fine.” Sakura said. “It’ll take a lot more than a little genjutsu to put him down. And he always knows how to make the best of any situation. If anything, I bet he’s living the high life. Right Sasuke?”  
Sasuke looked at her before looking back his sleeping friend.

////

Naruto stared balefully at his apartment, or what was left of it. Someone had set it, and everything he owned, on fire.   
“This is fine.” He said, turning away from the door. “This is perfectly fine.”  
What wasn’t fine was the massive parade happening right outside his door, celebrating the expulsion of the demon.  
There was a carnival on top of the Hokage monument with circus tents, dozens of food stalls and a Ferris wheel that overshadowed the village. It also came with an absurdly large rollercoaster that circled the entire village in what could only be described as a health and safety officer’s nightmare.  
And to top it off, the main parade was making the rounds, with floats depicting Naruto burning on a pyre, a dismembered giant fox and, as if as a personal insult to him, spilled ramen.  
Carnival music rung out from almost every direction and the air smelled like cotton candy and fire.  
Naruto stared at the whole thing in shock before a nudge from his ANBU escort pulled him out of it.  
“Move.” The man said.  
“I’m going, I’m going.” Naruto ran to the gates. He needed to get out of Konoha and clear his head.  
As soon as he reached the gates, he came to a stop. It seemed that some people were there to see him off. His team, the other genin teams, their sensei’s, Teuchi and Ayame, Konohamaru and Tsunade.  
Shikamaru walked up to him and put his hand on Naruto’s shoulder. “I’ve always been your best friend,” he said.  
“Since when?” Naruto asked.  
Shikamaru ignored him. “And, it is truly a great loss to see you go. Damn the council.”  
Naruto restrained himself from asking about this mysterious and illustrious council.  
“The Civilian council has always had so much power.” Tsunade said.  
“They are civilians?” Naruto yelled as Shikamaru stepped back.  
“It’s truly a tragedy to see YOUTH go!” Lee yelled.  
“What?” Naruto asked.  
“YOUTH were the best of us.” Lee said again.  
Naruto stared at the ninja before a thought occurred to him. “Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?”  
It was true. Lee was struggling to stay upright on his crutches and looked like hell.  
“I would be,” Lee said solemnly, “but then I would not be here for this tragic moment where I admit that YOUTH always had more Taijutsu potential than me. It was obvious from how skillfully you moved during our bout.”  
“The one where you knocked me out in one move?”  
Lee beamed. “Exactly.”  
“Lee is right.” Gai said. “You are so clearly a beast.”  
Naruto looked at the green Jonin with surprise. He hadn’t said youth.  
“And so… I have a gift for you.” He grabbed his jumpsuit, ripped it off revealing that he was wearing a purple speedo beneath it.  
Naruto’s jaw dropped.  
“Eighth Gate of Death! Open!” Gai exploded with the power of the eight gates. In an instant, he was in the air and, with a spin of his legs, created a giant flaming yellow dragon. With a roar, it flew around Konoha, its serpentine body seeming to stretch so that it could be seen from all directions. It also setting the highest part of the Rollercoaster on fire before coming around back to where everyone was standing.  
Naruto stared at the spectacle.  
The dragon swooped down until its massive head was above them before it opened its jaw wide enough to swallow a house. A scroll fell from its jaw and to Naruto’s hands.  
“Ow!” Naruto yelled as he dropped the red-hot scroll.  
As suddenly as it had appeared, the dragon evaporated into blue embers. Gai dropped to the ground, no longer in the eight gates. The flames danced around him as he moved his arms like a Maestro directing them in a sublime display of art. He was still in the speedo.  
“How… how are you still alive?” Naruto asked.  
Gai laughed. “I used the secret method for surviving the eight gates.”  
Naruto stared at the man. “Well? What is it?”  
Gai looked around conspiratorially, before leaning in close to Naruto. “I turned it off before I died,” he whispered.  
“Oh?” Naruto asked. “It was that simple?”  
“Yes.” Gai said. “I don’t know why no one else had thought of it.” Gai then picked up the scroll. “And now, you have this. The secret scroll of the eight gates. Study it, master it, become strong!”  
“YOUTH!” Lee yelled.  
Gai threw the scroll at Naruto who took off his jacket and caught it. “Thank you.” He said.  
Kiba and Choji stepped forward.  
“Well,” Kiba said. “I guess this is the end of the four musketeers.”   
“Yes.” Choji said, a single manly tear flowing from his eyes. “But I will always remember our childhood friendship.”  
Naruto simply nodded dumbly.  
“Remember when I shared my food with you while you were starving in that ditch after the angry mob beat you up and threw you in the dumpster?” Choji asked.  
Naruto stared blankly at him.  
“Remember when we threw a party in your apartment on your birthday?” Shikamaru asked.  
Naruto stared blankly at him.  
“Remember when we went out for some mischief, rode around on our bikes, found a dead body, defeated an evil space clown and learned the true meaning of Christmas in time to sing in the school play?” Kiba asked.  
Naruto looked longingly at the gates. They would be his escape from this madness.  
Tenten then stepped forward. She opened her mouth to speak.  
An electronic buzzing sound went off giving everyone pause. “Screen time allotment fulfilled.” A woman’s voice announced from the sky.  
A giant gloved hand came down from the sky, grabbed Tenten by her arm and lifted her up to the clouds.  
Naruto felt the need to sit down and come to terms with this.  
Next came Ino. “Naruto.” She said. “I’ve always found you attractive.”  
Naruto looked at her. “What?”  
“But unfortunately, I was blinded by my foolish childish brain into thinking I cared about Sasuke.” She leaned forward. “Accept this kiss as my apology.”  
Naruto caught her face. “I’m good.” He said.  
Ino burst into tears. “I deserve that for being a no-good Sasuke loving fool!” She ran off, bawling.  
Asuma stepped forward next. “Naruto,” he said. “I-”  
“Yahoo!”  
Naruto turned to the source of the voice.  
Hidan came flying out of nowhere and, with a swing of his scythe, cut Asuma in half.  
“So good!” Hidan yelled before the gloved hand came down from the sky, picked him up and took him away.  
Everyone stood in blank silence as if that hadn’t just happened.  
Naruto felt what he was sure was an aneurism coming on.  
Kakashi came forward. “You are a disappointment.” He turned and walked away.  
“Well that was anti-climactic.” Naruto said.  
“Dobe!” Sasuke yelled.  
Naruto winced and turned to the last-but-not-really Uchiha.  
“You are an insignificant wretch not worthy of being tread on beneath my foot. Through some means of trickery, cheating and demonic power, you may have managed to land a hit on me, but do not expect it to happen again. I am not afraid of you, and soon, you will rue the day you dared to breath the same air as me. My vengeance will be swift and thorough. I will do things you will not recover from even in hell. This land shall be bathed in your blood and cleansed in fire! I will…”  
Sasuke’s speech faded into the background as Teuchi floated up to Naruto. “You are a brave boy.” He said. He reached a single finger forward and touched Naruto’s chest, right above his heart. “Soon, you will join me in the pantheon of memes, with the likes of Shaggy and Lord Twigo.”  
Naruto nodded.  
“Now I must go. My people need me.” He floated up to the sky.  
“…entrails and testicles! The sky will be ripped asunder! The oceans will cry blood! The sun will be unbirthed back into the womb of the moon! And when all is said and done, the world will tremble…”  
Sasuke faded out again as Neji stepped forward. “Naruto.” He said solemnly.  
Naruto remembered the sight of Neji’s corpse. “Hey Neji.” He said.  
Neji handed him a scroll, this one not burning hot. “You will need this.” Neji said.  
“What is it?” Naruto asked.  
“Hair care products.”  
Naruto stared at the Hyuga. “What?” He finally asked.  
Neji flipped his hair back. It bellowed in the wind like a wild mane. “Yes.” Neji said as he looked off wistfully, his face framed by his luscious black locks. “You will need hair at least half as fabulous as mine to truly become a great ninja.”  
“Where’s the wind coming from?” Naruto asked.  
“It just comes when fabulous hair is in play.” Neji said. “Like the great log of substitution, we do not question its unknowable power.”   
Naruto sighed before smiling at the Hyuga. “I’ll treasure it.” He said sadly.  
“… crying like a little bitch! I shall drown you in the maelstrom of my Nightmares! My tentacles will twist and contort your throat as I throttle you with visions of Hermaphroditic succubi and violent oedipal rape fantasies! I will take your cities! I will subjugate your children! I will rape and devour your armies!”  
Sasuke’s voice died down again as Konohamaru stepped forward. “Naruto-nii.” He said.  
“Yes Konohamaru?” Naruto asked.  
“Will I really grow up to be the Gohan of this story?”  
Naruto didn’t know what a Gohan was, but it sounded strong. “Yes?” He asked.  
“Nooooooo!” Konohamaru screamed before he ran off.  
“That was clearly not the right thing to say.”  
“… goat and three brothels! And then, with the power of the ultra-divine 9th stage Rinne- Mangekyo Rinnegan plus ultra, I will reign supreme…”  
Sakura stepped forward.  
Naruto braced himself for the pain.  
She opened her mouth. But before she could speak, her throat seemed to constrict from the force and pain. Her body contorted in agony before it began folding in on itself. Her bones creaked and snapped audibly, and her chest seemed to deflate.  
Before Naruto’s eyes, Sakura collapsed into a black hole.  
The hole began sucking in everything around it, making Konoha tremble at the force. Naruto, the closest one to her, was ripped off his feet and went flying towards the event horizon.  
And then, as soon as it had begun, the black hole collapsed and spat Sakura out, looking completely unaffected by the mockery of physics that had just happened.  
Naruto crashed down at her feet before looking up at her.  
Sakura gave him a condescending look, huffed and walked away.  
Naruto sighed with relief before getting up.  
“And then they will know that I am Sasuke Uchiha, God of Shinobi of Gods of Shinobi. And they will look upon my works and despair!”  
Hinata stepped forward. “I am coming with-” That was as far as she got before she passed out again, foaming at the mouth. Naruto caught her before she could hit the ground before looking around for help.  
“I guess that’s two people getting banished.” The ANBU agent said. “Good riddance to the fox lover.”  
Naruto wondered if anyone actually cared about the secret of his status as Jinchuriki before deciding that he didn’t either.  
“Wait.” Something occurred to Naruto. “Where’s Iruka?”  
“Who?”  
“Iruka Umino. The academy teacher.”  
“I have no idea who that is. But it sounds pathetic and inconvenient.”  
Naruto probably would have protested if the last several minutes hadn’t drained all of his energy.  
Shino stepped forward.  
Naruto was confused by the lack of Sasuke’s rants and looked at the Uchiha.  
Sasuke had apparently taken a break to drink some water. He was still glaring daggers at Naruto as he did though.  
Naruto looked at Shino who didn’t move.  
“Shino?” He asked.  
Shino didn’t say anything.  
Naruto poked him.  
Shino collapsed like a puppet without its strings and fell over before deflating as thousands of bugs scattered out from within him. Several of them began nesting in Asuma’s corpse.  
Naruto stared at the pile of clothes, at a complete loss.  
Finally, Tsunade, Kurenai, Shizune and Ayame stepped forward.  
“Naruto.” Tsunade said. “You were the best sex we ever had…”  
“And we’re done here!” Naruto yelled. “Thanks for everything, see you, bye!”  
He picked Hinata up in a bridal carry and ran out of the village gates without looking back.  
Maybe he could go to Suna. Surely Gaara wouldn’t be that bad.  
Okay, he wasn’t dumb enough to believe that, but it was his only option.

////

“Yes.” Sasuke lied.


	7. Chapter 7

Shikamaru moved his king before giving his father a tentative look.  
Shikaku Nara had always had a relaxed face when he played Shogi with his son. While one would think that a day of tactical work would lead to a form of relaxation without thinking, the Nara clan head always relaxed by running circles around his son with a game of Shogi.  
Except he usually did this with a 12-year-old genin, not a chunin who’d already taken down an S-class ninja and fought in a war.  
Shikamaru smiled nostalgically as his father’s brow creased and his breathing changed. He’d made the same face the first time Shikamaru had beaten him in a game. Shikamaru had identified it as his, ‘I may lose, but I won’t make it easy for you’ face. He liked to imagine it was the same face he made before he died and communicated his final plan to them.   
Shikamaru smiled at that before he remembered Sasuke’s instruction. He needed to experience extreme emotion. Relaxing with his dad was not what he should be doing. And yet…  
Shikaku finally moved his piece. Shikamaru knew he could beat him in five moves.  
He snuck another glance at his dad, trying to memorize his face as he did so. Who knew when this genjutsu would finally be over and done with?  
Eventually, Shikamaru won. It didn’t feel as good as when he’d done it the first time. But just being able to be with his father meant the world to him.  
Now, if only the downside wasn’t so annoying.  
“Gomenasai musuko.” Shikaku said. “My Keikaku was no match for your Keikaku.” He smiled.  
Shikamaru nodded dumbly. It couldn’t get any worse.  
“Daijoubu. How about another game?”  
Shikamaru opened his mouth to respond.  
“Shikamaru-kun! Ohayo!” Ino’s voice cried out.  
Shikamaru almost rolled his eyes out of his head in apprehension before looking at the girl who was walking up to them. Then he fell out of his chair in shock.  
Ino’s hair was somehow even blonder than normal. She was in a gaudy hot pink tank top with a tiger skin jacket loosely hanging off of her shoulders, a jeweled cap she wore backwards and an absurdly tight black skirt. But most shocking was the fact that her skin had a brown, almost burnt color to it. It looked ridiculous on the 12-year-old.  
Ino took the lollipop out of her freakishly red lips. “Nani is the matter Shikama-kun?”  
Shikamaru looked around for help.  
“Ino-san, leave him be.” Choji said.  
Shikamaru looked at his best friend, though he had a feeling it would not provide him with any comfort.  
Choji was wearing a white jacket, pants and hat. And covering every inch of his clothing were drawings of girls in what could only be described as the throes of ecstasy.  
His jaw dropped.  
“Aww,” Ino said. “You look so Kawaii Desu with that dumbfounded expression, Shikama-kun.”  
Shikamaru blinked. “Why…are you wearing that?”  
Ino looked down. She looked back at him. “Nani ever do you mean?”  
Shikamaru shook his head. “Whatever. So, why are you guys here?”  
Ino shook her head. “Shikama-kun, you’re such a NEET. You should get out more. We’re here to take you out.”  
Every bone in Shikamaru’s body told him to run. But Sasuke had said that extreme emotions made tracking him easier. “And where do you propose we go?” He asked.  
“To a barbecue.” Choji said simply. “Don’t you naruhodo, Baka?”  
And now his curiosity was peaked. “Okay,” he said. He looked at his Dad. “Is it okay if I…”  
The man was gone. So was the Shogi board.  
“Where did he go?” Shikamaru asked.  
“Probably overseas for a business meeting.” Choji answered.  
Shikamaru stared at the boy. Then he looked back at where his father had been before taking a deep breath.  
Choji shrugged. “Gomenasai.”  
“Soto ni ikou,” Ino said, spinning on her heal. “I wonder if Sasuke-kun will be there. He makes my heart go doki doki. I wonder if he’ll look at my oppai. Sakura has no oppai, unlike me, though my oppai are very kawaii moe. Though that may mean Sasuke-kun is a hentai. Could I go out with a hentai? Will he want to see my pantsu? I want to be seen as more Kawaii than Ecchi. Anata wa sore ga ri ni kanatteiru to omotte kore o gūguru shimashita ka?”  
Shikamaru facepalmed. This would be harder than expected.

////

Sasuke stared at the fake Naruto. If he didn’t know better, he’d have said that he had even more chains on him. At least he wasn’t trying to kill him anymore. Maybe.  
He glanced around the training ground observing potential escape routes.  
“I totally beat you.”  
“Yup.”  
“It was a massacre.”  
“Sure was.”  
“I am superior to you in every way,”  
“Whatever you say.”  
“Now your life’s goal is forever unfulfilled.”  
“Of course it… wait. What?” Sasuke blinked.  
“I have beaten you, and you will now spend the rest of your life futilely trying to regain your position at number 1.”  
Sasuke blinked in confusion. “Do you think being stronger than you is my life’s goal?”  
Naruto nodded like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
“You aware of my broth…” Sasuke stopped talking.  
Itachi was alive in this genjutsu.  
Suddenly Ino’s actions made more sense.  
“What about your brother?”  
Sasuke stared at the genjutsu construct.  
“Sasuke.”  
Sasuke glanced at Kiba. He and the rest of the rookies, as well as Rock Lee’s team were approaching them. “Oh great, one clown wasn’t enough… the circus is here.” He muttered. “Yes Inukuza?” He asked out loud.  
“I want to challenge you to a fight. Now that Naruto’s knocked you down a peg, I want to test my abilities against you.”  
Sasuke felt very confident that he was not going to win. “No thanks.”  
“Ha, you’re just afraid I’ll beat you.”   
“Yes.” Sasuke turned around and walked away from the sputtering dog boy, keeping his hand on Kusanagi in case he needed to avoid another surprise attack. Fortunately, it hadn’t reverted back to Naruto when he got back in the genjutsu.  
“Sasuke.”  
Sasuke stopped at the sound of Sakura’s voice. The Pinkette ran up to him before looking down shyly. “Thanks for saving me.” She said.  
Sasuke looked off to the side. He had no idea how to deal with young Sakura. “It’s nothing.” He said.  
“And don’t worry, I know you can totally still beat…” Sasuke covered her mouth.  
There’s the rub, he thought. I can accept that I’m a lot weaker than I am in the original world, but I’m not supposed to. And Sakura’s just delusional. Eh, who cares.  
He let go of Sakura and began walking away.  
“Where are you going Sasuke?” She asked.  
To find Shikamaru, he thought.  
“To meditate.” He said. Then he paused. “Want to come with me?”  
The Pinkette froze and stared at him. Then she began vibrating.  
“Sakura?”  
Sakura shot into the sky like a bird and began doing loop-de-loops and whooping in excitement.  
“Well, that happened.” Sasuke said.  
Sakura crashed down in front of him, beaming at him. “Okay, let’s go.”  
Sasuke didn’t fight the smile that crawled onto his face.

////

Sakura looked at the gasping boy in front of her. If any of this was real, she’d definitely be running to his side to heal him.  
The fake Sasuke, covered in various lacerations, bleeding out before her eyes, stared at her with contempt. “Well?” He asked.  
“Hmm?” Sakura asked. “What are you looking at me for? I’m useless remember.”  
The two stared at each other, Sasuke barely able to remain on his feet, Sakura wondering if he would really die before he asked for her help.  
She broke eye contact, looking at the battlefield. The Missing Iwa-nin that attacked them had been brutal. They’d also completely ignored her in favor of her teammates, all of whom were now critically injured. And she had the only first aid kit. Because of course she did.  
Naruto and Kakashi had caved first and were already treated. They watched the two genin stare each other down.  
“You just have to say three words.” Sakura said. “And I’ll fix you up.”   
Sasuke seemed to actually be contemplating death as an alternative to doing what she asked.  
Sakura walked up to him. “Well?” She asked. “Anything you want to say?”  
He mumbled something.  
“What was that?” Sakura asked.  
“Help…”  
“I didn’t quite catch that.”  
“Help me Sakura.” Sasuke yelled, his Sharingan activating before he flinched and deactivated them.  
Sakura put on a thoughtful look, even as she began mentally evaluating how to clean his wounds.  
“Hmm, well, since you asked so nicely.” She smiled as sweetly as she could. “I’ll make sure to take good care of you.”  
Sasuke, intimated, stepped back.  
“That’s better.” Sakura said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I know, but in my defense… writing several bad Naruto fanfics while trying to make them genuinely funny is harder than I thought it would be.  
>  With that said, feel free to suggest what other bad tropes you’d like to see explored and which characters you want to see explore them.  
>  Also, because Google translate apparently refuses to accept Romaji, here’s the Katakana of what Ino said for the curious:  
>  あなたはそれが理にかなっていると思ってこれをグーグルしましたか?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And when the world needed him most, he came back.  
>  Damn it’s been a long time since I updated this. I actually wanted to do a Valentine’s day chapter (which would have been really convenient because everyone is with the fanon versions of their love interest), but that would have forced me to change the characterization of the fanon characters (Looking at you Fanon Sasuke that thinks Sakura is useless). So I just wrote Sasuke’s Black Eye and moved on.  
>  But enough about me and my shamelessly telling you to go read the one-shot. Back to story.

Naruto had assumed that the walk to Suna would be a time for him to take a break. Maybe he really was an idiot.  
“Hand over your money.” The lead bandit said, waving a dagger at Naruto.  
“I don’t have any money,” Naruto said, glancing behind him to make sure Hinata was still there. She was and she was cowering in fear. From some normal bandits that didn’t even seem to be Shinobi. He didn’t even bother trying to reconcile that with the girl that stood up to Pain. His head already hurt.  
“Get him!” One of the bandits screamed and they all surged forward.  
Naruto leapt forward and kicked the closest bandit in the face before taking a kunai out and blocking a stab to his side.  
Out of nowhere a kick to the chest sent him hurtling back.  
“Ow.” He said as he prepared to use the shadow clone jutsu before a blur rushed past him.  
“Hinata?” He asked.  
“How dare you hurt my Naruto! Hyaaaa!” The girl in question screamed as she grabbed the nearest bandit, flipped him over her head and smacked him into another bandit before flipping over and kicking a third bandit in the face. She then lifted the initial bandit and spun him over her head like a Bo staff before smacking another bandit.  
Naruto watched as the shy, meek girl who fainted whenever she realized they were breathing the same air literally beat each bandit to death with their friend.  
When it was over, she threw the mangled body she’d been holding to the side and turned to Naruto, completely ignorant of all the blood on her.  
“How?” He asked.  
“I’ve been hiding my true power.” Hinata said simply. “I am the reincarnation of Hamura.”  
Naruto nodded, having long since gotten past questioning things. He didn’t fully understand the whole reincarnation thing, but he had a feeling that that wasn’t how it worked. “Okay. That was… impressive.”  
Hinata turned bright red. “Naruto… praised me.” She fell over, foaming at the mouth.  
Naruto sighed. “Yeah… I figured.”

////

Sasuke meditated, trying to zero in on Shikamaru’s chakra. He got a sense of disbelief and confusion, which seemed to be the default emotion of the people in the genjutsu, but it was annoyingly low-key.  
“Sasuke.” Sakura said.  
And there was the low-key annoyance.  
“Yes Sakura?” He asked.  
“How do you plan on getting back at Naruto?”  
Sasuke looked at the Pinkette. “I don’t.”  
Sakura blinked. “Why not?”  
“I have better things to do than fight him.”  
Sakura stared at him. “Like what?”  
Sasuke opened his eyes and turned to the girl. She wasn’t meditating of course. She was staring at him. “My brother. My clan.”  
“Oh yeah, but those are totally minor compared to one-upping Naruto.”  
Sasuke felt a very familiar spike of anger, but it was immediately cooled. “Sakura can we just… meditate.” An idea struck him. “I’m gathering power.”  
“Really?” Sakura asked.  
“Sure. And it’ll help if you meditate too.”  
The kunoichi immediately got into a lotus position.  
And so Sasuke went back to meditating, and it was calm.  
There was a massive explosion in the middle of Konoha that rocked the training ground they were sitting in.  
Ha. You thought Sasuke was getting a break.

////

Sasuke and Sakura landed at the top of a nearby apartment complex as snakes burst out through what used to be the Hokage building.  
“Orochimaru.” Sasuke seethed, grabbing his neck from the phantom pain of where the curse mark used to be.  
“You called.” A voice that sounded distinctly like Orochimaru’s sang.  
The two genin turned and looked at him. Sasuke’s jaw dropped.  
Orochimaru was wearing a black corset that showed off his chest, black panties that revealed an uncomfortably large bulge, fingerless leather gloves and stockings held up with a garter belt. He was wearing ten-inch high heels and fingerless gloves. Everything was made of leather. His hair was in a ridiculous afro and the eyeliner and bloodred lipstick could only be described with the words, ‘too much.’  
“Give me your body!” The snake man said in a way that made it clear it was very different from how he’d expressed his desire for Sasuke’s body in the real world.  
Before Sasuke could respond, Sakura jumped in front of him. “No!” She screamed. “You can’t seduce Sasuke!”  
Sasuke stared at the girl’s back. His jaw would have dropped if he’d bothered to pick it up after the first time.  
“No!” Orochimaru screamed. “His ass is mine.”  
Sasuke turned around and began sprinting as fast as he could, trying to put as much distance as possible between him and whatever was happening. He very seriously contemplated just leaving, Shikamaru be damned.  
As he leapt off a building and slid down an alley, he heard a voice whisper in his ear.  
“Sasuke-kyun.”  
Against all better judgement he looked behind him.  
Orochimaru was a foot behind him, eyes closed, with his too red lips pursed for a kiss.  
Sasuke screamed and rolled to the side. Orochimaru didn’t stop and pancaked against a wall.  
Sasuke took off in the opposite direction towards the giant snakes. The third Hokage had to be there. Sure Orochimaru had killed him in the real world, but that was a risk Sasuke was very willing to take.  
A sound ninja came out of nowhere, aiming to behead him. Sasuke ducked under the blade, activating his Sharingan as he did so and, grabbing a kunai, slashed at the man’s knees before he went back into full sprint.  
“Come back sweet Sasuke!” Orochimaru’s voice practically echoed through Konoha. Sasuke ignored it while deactivating his Sharingan.  
Konoha was in chaos. Everywhere he went, ninjas were engaging in largescale battles, causing wanton destruction and obliterating everything in sight.  
“People of Konoha!”  
Sasuke looked up. Was that…?  
“It is I, Naruto Uzumaki!”  
At first, Sasuke thought that he was just screaming really loudly, before he realized that it was actually the sound of thousands of clones screaming from the rooftops.  
“You do not deserve my sympathy!” The clones screamed.  
It said a lot about how well Sasuke knew Naruto that he found that sentence to be the biggest discrepancy since he’d arrived.  
“But if you beg for my mercy. I will save you!”  
“Sasuke!” Sasuke instinctively dropped into a roll just as Orochimaru flew over his head. The Sanin slid to a stop and spun around, whipping his arm out as several snaked sprouted from it.  
Sasuke unsheathed Kusanagi and began dancing around the attack, deflecting any snakes that got too close. As he did so, he sneakily made a few hand seals. Unfortunately, the onslaught was too much for him and he was soon tied up by the many snakes.  
Orochimaru jumped in front of him. “Give me your body.” He said in what seemed to be an attempt to be seductive.  
Sasuke had lived with the man for three years. He’s almost died training with him. He had resisted suggestions of drug enhancements out of disgust for his methods while hiding that disgust. He had learned to hide all of his emotions in his presence and to pretend to not be disgusted by his actions. He had watched dissections and met people who were only destined to die. He had become cold.  
Now, Sasuke screamed like a little girl and breathed fire all over Orochimaru’s face.  
It was at that moment that he found Shikamaru.

////

“Speak English you troublesome-!” Shikamaru stopped when he saw that he was in the middle of the hospital. Everyone was looking at him curiously.  
“Um… Hey.” He said.  
“Dare we ask?” Temari asked.  
“The culture was very different. And everyone insisted on using words I didn’t understand.”  
“Okay.” Temari said. Her head turned. “What about you Sasuke?”  
Shikamaru looked at the Uchiha who was hunched over Naruto’s gurney.  
“I need another break.” Sasuke said.  
“You wanna tell us what happened?” Shikamaru asked.  
“No.”  
“Is this getting too much for you?” Sakura asked, clearly concerned with his well-being.  
Sasuke took several deep breaths and stood up. Shikamaru saw that he looked a little green. “No, I’m fine.” He said. “I just… need a minute.”  
Ino put her hand on his shoulder and nodded. They both looked at each other with an understanding of shared pain.  
Shikamaru decided that he should not complain about a language barrier when it could be so much worse.

////

The trek through the desert was long and hard, but eventually, Naruto and Hinata finally reached the Village Hidden in the Sand.  
As the walked up to the gates, Naruto noticed a lone figure standing before them looking at him.  
“Is that…?” Hinata began asking.  
“Hello.” Gaara said. “I’ve been expecting you.”  
Naruto looked his fellow Jinchuriki up and down before sighing. “I’m surprised. But I expected to be surprised so it doesn’t count.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter wasn’t as funny as I wanted so I decided to insert Rocky Horror Orochimaru. I’m sorry for the mental images.  
>  Sorry to all the people who wanted to see more of Weeb-Konoha. Maybe next time (taps my fingers against all of your foreheads).  
>  Oddly, though completely by accident, I find Shikamaru’s conclusion to be accurate. If the worst thing about a fic is an over-abundance of some Japanese words, it’s not the worst thing that could happen.  
>  Gotta love the references.  
>  So. What do you guys think is up with Gaara? Tell me in the comments.
> 
> Fanon-no-Jutsu is rated for teens. My question is, would you be interested in a spin off exploring m-rated tropes? Basically, Ino’s genjutsu.


End file.
